Weight - off Wednesday (keeping it real)

Trigger warning! this is an honest post about real life experiences of Mental ill health – if you read this and you think you need support please reach out to someone you trust.  

 During #childrensmentalhealth week we wanted to take time to get real about mental ill health. The word mental health has become a bit of a buzz word and a term that gets thrown about, especially during this pandemic, understandably. And whilst everybody has mental health, and everyone needs to take care of their mental and emotional well-being we wanted to take a minute to recognise those who have either a diagnosed or un-diagnosed mental ill health condition.  

I don’t know about you, but when I see all these inspirational quotes and superficial self-care instructions, I sometimes get a little annoyed (especially on a day when mental ill health is very present in my household). Not because they don’t work – some of the tips are helpful and sometimes we do just need a gentle reminder to do self-care – it's because, I feel they can assume that self-care is all about spa days and a plucky attitude. When self-care, especially when you have mental ill health, is anything but glamorous.  

Today, I (Kayleigh) and Emily will share our experiences of mental ill health. I will be sharing from the perspective of a mother of a child with a diagnosed mental ill health condition and Emily will be speaking from the perspective of a young person with a diagnosed mental ill health condition.  Our hope from our weight off Wednesday blog is that by keeping it real we open the space for you, the reader, to do the same.  

 Emily’s weight off Wednesday…  

 Emily what do you want to share in the spirit of keeping it real today?  

Firstly, I want to reiterate that ‘weight-off’ doesn’t mean let’s pretend everything’s okay!  Look, I’m doing my colouring and mindfulness practices, and these are good tools but if we’re honest, when it comes to mental health conditions they aren’t always enough. Weight-off Wednesday means being real, letting it out and acknowledging that sometimes we are not okay and are flying blind without a map.  

 A mental health diagnosis has power beyond the mere words... It can be relief of having a name for what you’re experiencing, it can also put into perspective everything that has previously happened and why you reacted the way you did. Or it can come crashing down around you and you no longer know if it is a self-fulfilling prophesy or if it is real.  

The knowledge of my own diagnosis has been an exceptionally helpful for reflecting on my childhood, I was diagnosed in the November of my first year at Uni (at 19).  I think it wasn’t caught sooner for many reasons: one, being fully self-reliant means, you notice when something is not right, for example things like meals no longer being a regular routine.  Two, I had many adults throughout my life justify my experiences or reactions without addressing the clear mental health implications of what I was doing.  Three, I didn’t tell many people my full experience as I was numb to feelings for a long time which I had accepted as normal, and ‘we are all angsty teens at some point’ is an excellent shield from reality.    

 As I said, it could have been caught sooner... I spoke to a doctor at about 13 (for 2 separate reasons, she gave advice on both and was wrong on both counts). She told me to do my own exposure therapy, this made my experience feel insignificant and potentially not real!  It takes a lot to stand up and relate what you are experiencing.  At this point, my triggered panic was mostly happening publicly in my lessons, so I knew no one else experienced what I was feeling, and it was embarrassing and confusing.  

 I now know that my dad is triggered to experience similar episodes whilst exposed to watching certain things.  I would like to add that whatever you or someone else is feeling or experiencing, it is both real and valid.  I later in my school career, told a school support person about an experience that has now been permanently deleted from my memory - which feels very black mirror - who explained that my brain has cut that memory because I was in such a panicked state.  But who also brushed it off and sent me back to normal life with nothing other than ‘brain deleted it’ for comfort... 

 Accepting and understanding mental health is one of the strangest, hardest and most beneficial things you can ever do. This doesn’t mean it goes away or even becomes particularly more manageable. However, it does mean you give yourself the time and space YOU need, not what is considered “normal” or “expected”.  You also begin to see the patterns that may signal the start of you processing something.  This means you are partly prepared for it and know the things you can do to better let yourself deal with whatever is going on. Personally, I will process my emotional reactions to events months after the fact, this can be confusing to explain after someone has apologised and I have seemingly “moved on”.  In reality I thought I was okay, but my brain just wasn’t ready for that yet, so I needed some time to be ready to deal with all that comes with being hurt.  

My weight off Wednesday... 

 Those of you reading this who know me, know I've never shied away from keeping it real and speaking bluntly!  But when it comes to this topic I struggle for a few reasons, one of the main reasons being I feel a deep sense of shame. You see one of my children has just been diagnosed with mental ill health after a potentially devastating incident last year.  

But this wasn’t an ‘out of the blue incident’, this happened because for years I’ve been trying to get the right support for my child and the doors would just not open because of ‘thresholds’.  My child's mental health conditions are extremely complex which makes it difficult for any one department to say ‘yes we can help’, which means I sit here today as mother of a child who is so unwell that I can't use the words to describe the consequences we will all suffer deeply if we don’t get to the root imminently.  

‘But why do you feel shame’ I hear you ask? Well, I feel shame because... 

One, I feel partly responsible. I can almost hear people saying, “no you shouldn’t blame yourself” and of course you are right – the blame game is toxic.  However, as a parent you question everything, and I am by no means perfect especially in my earlier parenting years as I was still a child myself.  But that’s a painful thing to admit and requires oodles of courage to say out loud and I'm proud of myself for being in a place where I can cope with taking some of the blame for where we are now - with honesty and openness comes healing – it’s a process!  

Two, because here I am ‘founding Director’ of LVA with a child who is being heavily medicated for complex mental ill health conditions, I feel like an imposter and unworthy to be in this role. The rational side of my brain tells me that my experiences help me in my role as I personally navigate really tough waters with my own children, however rationality has nothing to do with imposter syndrome!  

I went to a ‘Care for the Family’ conference a couple of years ago and like all conferences you forget most of what was said but I remember these words as clear as day when Rob Parsons said “don’t take all the credit don’t take all the blame” and for a perfectionist, control freak like myself these words have brought me much comfort and I hope that anyone reading this who is suffering as a parent of a child with mental ill health will also take comfort in them.  

One day when my child is older, and I gain permission I can speak about the details of what we have gone through and I pray that together we can use our experiences to help others when we get to the other side. But for now, I must take care of myself, first and foremost.  

I want to bring my ‘weight off Wednesday’ to a close by saying that self-care isn't pretty for me, It's really hard work... I face constant mental battles daily, trying to gain control of my thoughts so that I don’t spiral into self-pity and self-hatred.  Self-care for me is gritty and unglamourous, it's being open and honest, even when its uncomfortable. It's going for a walk or a run when stepping over the threshold of the door is like walking across coals of fire. Its showing weakness and vulnerability when all I want to do is pretend I'm super woman. It's being ok with imperfections when I'm a perfectionist. It’s letting things that I can't control go, even though having control makes me feel safe.   I do these things because the reward is my peace. a hard fought peace!

I tell you this so that you know its ok!  If you are a parent who has a child suffering from mental ill health you are not alone, and your feelings are valid and most of all your mental well-being matters too. Think of it like the emergency oxygen masks on airplanes when we are told to put ours on first before we help others. You can't help your family if you're running on empty, self-care is the most un-selfish thing we as parents can do!  

If you need support or would like to have a chat about your experiences, please reach out to us info@lvatrust.org  We don’t promise miracles but we can provide a listening ear and signpost people who need a little extra support to the right places.  

back to our first points mental health is something we all have and by sharing our stories we are not diminishing the fact that almost all of us have struggled with looking after our mental health this year. your mental health matters and your experiences are real for you! take care of yourselves and do what works for YOU!