Welcome to the LVA Village
Online Behaviour
Three areas to start the convo…
Ages & Stages
Why are they there?
What are our family rules?
Engage & Empower
How do we use SM for teachable moments?
Nudes & Porn
What’s the problem?
Discussion Starters
What do you use this social media platform for? This question helps them think about the purpose of each platform and how/why they are using it?
Does your social media use add to your happiness/well-being? If the answer is no or not sure you can help your young person to think about ways to get their social media working FOR them to enhance their emotional and relational wellbeing (or at least not make it worse!).
Who do you allow to follow you? Who are you following? Are they people whom you allow in your friendship circle offline? Or if talking about influencers are their messages healthy? Empowering? What do they stand for? Do their values align with your own?
How can we make your social media spaces safer together?
Building on the Discussion Starters
Platforms & Purpose
What purpose does each have? Who are their target audience?
What would you use that platform for? (fun/friends & family/business etc.)?
What reputation are you trying to / want to build through this platform?
Can this platform help you make a difference to your community or the wider world?
When making a profile
Equipping our young people to build profiles in a purposeful way will empower them to take responsibility for what they are putting out there. This is also an easy way to engage with their online life.
What email am I using? (demomkiller@gmail.com) is probably not the best for LinkedIn or Twitter)
Do I want to use a formal name or a nickname
Who am I looking to follow/allow to follow my pages
Once you’ve figured out your purpose, think about your bio
Remember only make public what you want everyone to see – employers and Uni’s do look!
When did you last purge? (go back over your social media history and delete or store old posts onto a cloud).
Sexting, Porn & the law
There is no official definition of indecent within the law.
However, if the image is naked, a topless girl, contains genitals or sex acts, including masturbation, THEN IT’S INDECENT!
IT IS ILLEGAL TO TAKE, POSSESS OR SHARE INDECENT IMAGES OF ANYONE UNDER 18, EVEN IF IT’S YOU IN THEPICTURE!
Asking to send Nudes might not be illegal but coercion is.
Respect people’s right to say NO on and off- line.
Porn Legality - it’s complex!
Not a criminal offence for someone under 18 to view – but IS illegal to show someone under 18. this is to prevent abuse.
Some forms of porn are illegal for anyone to watch.
What’s the Problem?
By 15, children were more likely than not to have seen online pornography (65% of 15- 16 year olds report seeing pornography)
Some 44% of guys, compared to 29%of girls, reported that the online pornography they had seen had given them ideas about the types of sex they wanted to try out.
Why do these statistics matter?
You can find the source data for these stats here: https://fightthenewdrug.org/
What do young people say?
“[I] feel pornography does not show any consent in the act only shows sex and nothing else to do with mutual relationships” (Female, 12-13)
“I sometimes try a thing but it doesn't seem nice, but it might just be that you need someone else to do it to you.” (Male, 11)
“I wouldn’t talk to my family I would be too scared” (Female, 13)
“It was helpful in some ways. I wanted to know what sex is. At least now I know.” (Female, 12)
“Some people will say they haven’t seen it, but they probably have” (Female, 14)
“It gives an unrealistic view of sex and our bodies, makes us self-conscious and question why our bodies are not developed like what we see online” (Female, 13)
“It would put pressure to do things you don't feel comfortable with” (Female, 14)
“They (boys) become a different person - and begin to think that it is alright to act and behave in such ways. The way they talk to others changes as well. When they look at a girl, they are probably only thinking of that one thing - which isn't how women should be looked at” (Male, 14).
How can porn impact young people’s relationships?
1) When seen at a young age it can cause trauma
2) Pornography is often used for self-gratification & sexual intimacy is about mutual pleasure.
3) Our mental & emotional health affects our relationships
What’s the Problem?
Young people watching porn before they have had any ‘real life’ experience is a danger! Children being exposed to pornography either directly or vicariously (through sexual experiences where their partner has watched porn) is shaping how we engage with sexual intimacy. This is a problem! Almost all pornography is misogynistic, and violent, does not promote safer sex, does not show intimacy and misrepresents (promotes) unsafe sex acts.
The reality is sexual intimacy is messy (literally and metaphorically) it’s funny, it’s weird and it’s awkward. It’s also amazing and pleasurable in the right context. If our young people are learning about sex through porn the expectation it sets creates self-esteem and relationship issues that can be avoided if our young know the truth!
So where do we start the conversation? Probably not where you think....
Symptoms & and side effects of unhealthy social media and/or pornography use
The most up to date research shows us that excessive consumption can cause...
Brain fog
Heightened anxiety
Restlessness
Sleeplessness
Isolation
Lack of concentration
Social anxiety
Of course, there can be other reasons for these symptoms. And we always recommend seeking medical support if your child is experiencing any of these symptoms.
Things to Ponder
It’s all about relationships and creating safe spaces to talk through ‘taboo’ topics
Why do we find it difficult to talk about sexual intimacy?
How much do our young people need to know from their parents and how much do we entrust to educators and/or other trusted adults?
What do we want our young people to know about sexual intimacy and relationships?
How do we go about communicating that message?
What are your values around sexual activity – do these values line up with what your young person is learning/living?
How do parents help guide and shape the values their young people leave their nest with?
You may be thinking ‘These questions aren’t addressing pornography’. You are right! Pornography may come up if you feel it necessary. Feel free to entwine it into the convo at the right age and stage ( you as their parent will know when that is). However, by addressing these wider topics, we create spaces for our young people to develop their own moral compass with the guidance and protectiveness of their parent’s engagement
What can we do?
Look for the right moments:
Watching TV together
Sharing reels (laughing and discussing together)
Car journeys
Teachable moments Open questions:
What did/do you think/feel about ...?
How would you feel..?
Tell me more about...?
Explain XYZ To me I’m not sure I understand?
Device Boundaries
DON’T
Don’t invade their privacy.
Don’t overreact to what you see/hear
Where possible don’t let them take their devices to bed.
Remember a device is a privilege NOT a right. You wouldn’t give your child a car and send them off to drive without driving lessons. The idea is that we train our children to navigate their online worlds whilst protecting them at each age and stage effectively. Give them goals to work towards independence safely.
DO
Do have their passwords for all their social media.
Do have family safety installed on all devices
Do spot checks with your child.
Do explain why you are doing the above.
Do think about your online boundaries as a family.
Do keep the conversation open
Do allow them to negotiate
Getting Equipped
National online safety website
Internet matters website
CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection command)
Left to their own devices – book
Get real with other parents!
Equipped!
What one thing can we do this week feel more able to talk confidently about these topics?
How will we relay the message we are trying to share with our young people?
Where do you find your teachable moments?