Living with mental ill-health...when it's not yours
It’s children’s mental health week - a week where we reflect on the wellbeing of our young people - as I was pondering what deep and insightful posts I should put on our social media feeds about the importance for how to help young people look after their mental health I was prompted to reflect on my journey as a mother.
You see, two out of my four children have a mental health illness. in my line of work, I am so used to supporting young people with mental ill-health that it can be assumed I’ve got it all sorted! this, of course, is a lie.
Yes, I am in a great position to support my children with the knowledge and training I have. but there’s just something about your child suffering and that feeling of helplessness that makes being a parent of a child with a mental health illness uniquely challenging.
I want to use this week’s focus on children’s mental health to send a message of support and encouragement to all parents and carers out there who silently support their child, a lot of the time, without acknowledgement of how awesome you are! so I am going to share one of my experiences of parenting a child with mental ill-health, with the hope that another parent/carer will feel encouraged.
My daughter Gracie-May (age 16) was diagnosed with CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome aka M.E) just over a year ago. although CFS is not in itself a mental health condition, it does cause mental health illness for a variety of reasons. my daughter suffers from physical pain, that she lives with daily, which causes her to feel depressed sometimes. but CFS also causes brain fog and low mood independently of the physical pain it can cause. sometimes these both hit at the same time. those are particularly fun times (not!).
The journey we’ve been on has been a hard one - and it continues. We have good days, really good days and then we have days where Gracie is in mental and physical agony. one example being last week, after a long day at work Gracie came home crawled into my bed and cradled in my arms like a baby. she sobbed for a good half an hour and as I cuddled her, I felt helpless. praying that this pain would be taken away from her. the pain in the pit of my stomach lingers constantly with the knowledge that my beautiful bubbly daughter is suffering.
There’s also the side of mental ill-health that is murky and difficult to talk about frankly, without sounding selfish. it’s the side whereas a parent you need to walk the line between your teen being a teen and a teen who needs you to give them some slack! this is where I struggle the most! For example on the days when Gracie starts an argument with me out of thin air or on the days when she comes home and picks a fight with her siblings for seemingly minor (sometimes non-existent) offences. Or the days when she’s overworking or out with her mates. When I know, as her parent, she needs to rest because the consequence of her not resting means I get the full emotional assault when Gracie hits the metaphorical wall.
I honestly get so stressed out and if I’m being honest, I don’t always handle these situations gracefully. there have been times when Gracie and I go at it in an argument and I’m so angry with her for not being able to see the hurt her words, actions and attitude cause. there are times when I sit on my annoyance with Gracie not taking proper care of herself and then flip out at her for something completely irrelevant because I haven’t checked in on my mental state.
The times when I see her not taking care of herself knowing I’m the one who’s gonna have to deal with her meltdown but she just doesn’t listen to me. These are the time when I also get to feel extra guilty for not being a good enough parent (isn’t parenting fun!). Of-course every parent of a teen goes through this kind of stuff to a certain degree. It’s just life.
Having children with mental ill-health can make me feel like I have to have it all together and be ‘perfect’ all the time.
It also makes me feel like I’m failing as a parent. I’m constantly walking the line ever so carefully just in case I say something that sets of their mental illness. There are days when I won’t address certain issues with one of my children through the fear I could be the cause of a downward spiral with devasting consequences that haunt me. On those days when I don’t parent as I ‘should,’ I beat myself up for days, which is itself physically and emotionally draining.
In all of this I feel so alone sometimes, but yet I am so privileged. I have my faith, I have my husband and I have an awesome community of friends. not every parent has that. So to all you parents and carers who are struggling to raise and nurture a child with mental ill health with little to no support my heart and my prayers (thoughts) are with you. you are doing a great job! every time your child shouts at you, they are communicating with someone they feel safe to vent to. every time your child comes to you and says today was not a good day, shows they trust you.
To every parent and carer out there with a child who struggles with mental ill-health you are LOVED by that child. Your child VALUES your input and guidance (even when you have to put them in check and it seems they are not listening). You are ABLE to get through this together!
if you are a parent with a child who has mental ill health who needs support and encouragement there are loads of organisations out there that can offer advice and support one of which is Young Minds.
Finally thank you to my amazingly courageous daughter Gracie for permitting me to share a tiny snapshot of our journey. Neither of us is perfect, far from it in fact, but in all our struggles we have found a beautifully raw and real relationship.