I have been practising gratitude for a while now. Not truly disciplined yet, dipping in and out as and when I feel like it – a bit like the rest of my life really! Exercise, healthy eating, creating good habits yada yada yada! We all know what to do, so I know we do not need teaching we just need reminding sometimes… And so, when I am going through a particularly rough patch in the garden of life, when I am down, lonely, or just plain disturbed by something I have a GPJ at the side of my bed. GPJ, I hear you say. Gratitude Practice Journal, like anything else, is a practice, I also have the book Atomic Habits by James Clear that I was told about 2 years ago and still trying to develop my habit of reading!!

Gratitude or thankfulness - are interchangeable but are defined like this: thankfulness is a temporary emotional response to a temporary circumstance and gratitude is a strong feeling of appreciation to someone or something for what has been done to help you… And looking back I now know why Prosecco, food and friends featured so much in my journal.

So why do we - not why should we - practice thankfulness or gratitude? To put a positive spin on life when it gets tough? To remind us of the things/people we have in our lives? To count our material blessings? Good health, and prosperity? All the above for me… It has been scientifically proven that you cannot have opposing feelings – we can have opposing thoughts, but not feelings and feelings develop from a thought. So, if we feel thankful for something/someone then we cannot feel resentful, scared, anxious, sad and all the other emotions that come with life at that moment. The journal helps us to look back and see what got us through those times so we can redeploy them as and when needed.

I am at a different stage of life and parenting from my colleagues and friends at LVA, so when I was asked to contribute to the blog with this title, I was unsure of what I could bring to the table. I am a mum of two daughters 27 & soon to be 20 and a single parent for 16 years. I have been a step mum to two girls, a foster carer to 5 teenage girls a brownie leader and oldest child of 4 and the oldest grandchild of both sets of grandparents and older cousin to 12. I tell you all this not to impress you but to impress upon you a picture of how long I have had younger people under my wing and taking care of others. I am now what is termed an ‘empty nester’…

When my youngest daughter left to go to university in 2020, I knew without a doubt that this was the right thing for her and especially since she had had to endure lockdowns with just me!! Unfortunate thing…  I thought I was ready and prepared for the flood of emotions and emptiness that came with that transition, but I was wrong. I was a bit gung-ho initially, determined not to take on anything new from September – December as I have a habit of rushing into things to fill up my time, so I embraced the time I had, to slow down and just be. I decided to sit with my feelings and ride the wave and I thought to myself “you go gal! You got this” And all was OK’ish until she came home for Christmas.

After the festivities, she returned to her new place, and I lost the plot in mine. Which of course,­ wonderfully coincided with ‘life is cruel menopause’ and the traumatic loss of my auntie and godmother. I sank into a depression like never before, feeling lost, isolated, and not knowing where I fit in and I will go so far as to say, I lost my identity.   Getting to know me all over again in this new stage – is kind of scary so I have never been more thankful for my friends and colleagues at this time for them bringing me back to the ‘what is’ from the what if’s and reminding me of who I am...

In truth, I had never really reflected on how powerful and life-giving they are. And acted as if they just happen, you fall into them and you just make them work. But I was reminded of how we are constantly making deposits and withdrawals in those relationships, meaning that we go through the good, the bad and the ugly and we go through it together but often in different rhythms.

I am thankful for the skills I have acquired with my job so that I can use those emotions that we talk about and put into practice, the well-being and coping strategies that we teach. Do not get me wrong, I used and still use some ugly unhealthy strategies at times but that is another blog!

I am also thankful for having the opportunity to spend so much of my life giving to mine and other people’s children, it has kept me energised and drained in equal measures but what a blessing it has been. And although my children have left home and are paving their own way, away from this nest and my wings, I am so grateful to be their mothership (my eldest calls me this, and I reflected today why it gave me joy to hear that and it was because they saw me as a place to come home to, a safe base, perhaps or perhaps not, time will tell).

As mentioned above, I am in a transition tunnel and though I may not be able to see the light just yet – it seems long at the moment, depression and menopause and old wounds and all ‘the stuff’ can create a long tunnel but tunnels end, right?  Plus, we are in winter, and winters can be harsh on us, wanting to naturally hide away and keep under the duvet. That said, again I am thankful for the seasons and those patterns of life that reassure my deep knowing that with loving people around me, this too shall pass, and that light will get brighter and brighter as I take each step forward with those friends helping to guide me.

And finally, the lesson I learnt through this is: just how important it is to find your tribe for each stage of this parenting life. People, you can be vulnerable and authentic with, as that will bring the light closer much quicker.

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